a problem with money

tomorrow is my birthday. hurray! i am traveling down to moab utah with my sister, brother in law, and nephew, and eric to spend the week with the rest of my family. so, i get to see my mom on mother's day plus be with my family onmy birthday! i'm excited. one nice thing about birthdays is that you get presents from family members. most of the time it is money, which is great. but i have this slight problem. b/c i live most of my life under the influence of ' no money, you can't spend it...only sale items!" when i actually do have some money to spend, i can't. b/c iwant to get the most for my money, the best deal, the lowest price, the most things, make my money go the farthest, get the thing i have wanted the most. so i get erally scared and can't spend it at all. so it just sits there, and i think, i'll use it in a couple of months when i have it nailed down exactly wha ti want. then i remember something. i've wnated new sun glasses for a cuople of months now. so i went to REI yesterday and bought a pair. they were expensive though and i freaked out. i want to take them back today. even though i love them. they are the best sun glasses i've ever seen. but i am afraid of them. i don't want to wear them b/c i will scratch them. and ten i found this great windproof climbing shirt that i would love- i'd use it all the time. but i keep thinking, maybe i nee dsomething else more though...and i get all scasred to actually spend the money. eric doens't have this problem at all. he told me he liked helping me spend my money. and he encouraged me to get the sun glasses and shirt. maybe i am putting too much emphasis on THINGS, but the THING is, i never do. i dont' ususally anyway. so when i actually get to,k actually spend a lot of money on something i want and don't necessarily need, i freak out and think it must be something i need and not just a whim. so, are my sunglasses a whim? is the shirt a whim? ohi hope not. so today i got online and googled the shirt to see if i could find ti cheaper somewhere else. and i did. so that means i can now spend the rest of the money that i saved on the shirt. so i found a pair of pants i really want. and nwo ia m freaking out about those and thinking that i should buy somethign else. something like jeans that i need or something. it's scary spending money. it's b/c it's the little money that i get once a year to just spend, and i have to make sur ei spend it wisely. i have a new mantra: buy only clothes or things that you will almost literally LIVE in. nothing that is just a once in an occasion shirt or skirt anymore. i want something that i wear weekly. that way i can get rid of all the other superfluous clothing i have, or superfluous stuff. i don't like stuff. it gets in the way. ia m not a pack rat at all. i go through my closet all the time and get rid of things. eric is a pack rat. it's hard to live with a pack rat sometimes. i just threw out christmas cards he was keeping. it's not liek we scrap book so what do you do with those thing? you enjoy them for aweek or so after they come, revel in the thought that the person had for you, adn then move on, knowing you meant something to someone. so i want to keep living by this, 'live in it' mantra for clothes. i also want to live by another mantra, "if patagonia doesn't make it, i don't need it". ha! i lov epatagonia. it's the best clothing company. we call it "patagucci" b/c it's so expensive. ridiculously expensive. but it fits like nohting else. unfortuantly the shirt i bought is made by anther company. but patagonia doens't make anythi like it. i suppose i should then say i don't need it. except that i know i'll use this shirt all the time. sorry patagonia. you missed out there. i am buying the pants from them though. if i had a ton of money i wouldn't perseverate over this so much. but i've got to make my money stretch as far as humanly possible. and then i still worry i didn't stretch it far enough. just let it go polly. i need to just enjoy what i have bought, use it al the time, and i will feel my money well spent.